Is your partner doing the heavy lifting in the relationship?

I was coaching a client recently and he shared that his partner has been doing the heavy lifting in their relationship, most specifically with the finances. For years my partner has done the heavy lifting in our relationship in that area. She has done well for herself in her career and has been the predominant breadwinner in our family — because she is a badass. Even when I was a decade into my corporate creative career I was struggling to “catch up” with her financially and felt ashamed that I was not meeting up to expectations as a male partner because of the environment I grew up in. I could completely empathize with my client and his situation. He shared that it was one of the core things driving him to work with me and to make a change in his life — not to be the breadwinner so he can feel dominance or control, but to do his part so they can live the life they want to live together with equity, care, and support of each other and their needs. He’s doing the work to realize his true potential so that his partner is no longer doing the heavy lifting for both of them. 

It’s not about who makes more money or who has more power in the relationship. It’s about equity as partners and feeling seen, heard, and supported. In order to do that, we have to be willing to commit to the work and the sacrifices needed to achieve the goals we set for ourselves and our partners, including financial, emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual goals. We have to make a commitment to do the work necessary to be the person we want to become rather than who we’ve been. It is our choice to keep living with the limiting beliefs our past selves created to keep us safe and comfortable. These are the same limiting beliefs that keep us from realizing our true potential. My client and I are working on ways to help him to let go of his limiting beliefs, develop habits that can support his business goals moving forward, and get clear on his ikigai so he can do the work he loves, that he’s good at, that people have and will pay him to do, and that the world needs. We’re connecting the dots in his life so that he can use his strengths and abilities (aka superpowers), passion, and purpose to live the life he and his partner are striving for together. 

I'd like to share an example of how this was a difficult journey for me in my life. When I was growing up my dad was like the Marlboro Man. Look it up and check out the old ads for those who don't remember those days. (Funny piece of trivia: the model that was in the Marlboro ads didn’t smoke — and lived to the ripe young age of 90. Heh!) Back when tobacco companies were able to advertise using iconic figures, the Marlboro Man was hard to miss. You could spot him anywhere and everywhere from billboards to TV ads and he was supposed to be what you strived for as a man. My dad embodied so many of those tropes. He was tough, showed no fear or tears, worked hard, and did all of the things that you’d expect from that era of men, especially from a big family in the rural south. He even looked the part. He was a carpenter and a craftsman so he wasn’t the kind of dad that wore three-piece suits and loafers. (That was just on Sundays when we went to church.) No, he wore a cowboy hat, boots, jeans, snap-buttoned, and flannel shirts, and smoked for several years. 

I don’t remember seeing my dad cry until I was about twenty years old and he had begun to realize that divorcing my mom was one of the biggest mistakes of his life. I remember it feeling so foreign to me that he showed emotion in that way. It was hard to focus on our heartfelt conversation at the time because it felt so foreign. It was tough for me growing up because I was around such machismo at school, with my male friends, and with the men in my family. I felt like such an outsider as a sensitive creative person — and was bullied for it, as most kids are when they are different from the crowd. I was fortunate that my mom was my rock and supported me in all my interests. I am forever grateful for her encouragement as well as her discipline and perseverance. I got a different kind of encouragement from my dad. He was a perfectionist and a hard worker. He pushed me to always work hard and strive for excellence but it came with a price. There was a lot of tension between us because I did not align with the prevalent machismo of a generation of men that were just repeating what they were taught by their fathers and authority figures who did not look past the sexist, male-dominant advertising that had been so prevalent for decades — like the Marlboro Man.

I grew up with the lifestyle and ideology of what it meant to be a “real man” constantly shoved down my throat and practiced by authority figures at home, school, the mall, in films and TV, in ads, the workplace, and in our government. Even as a nonconformist of those ideologies, when I finally found the love of my life and we chose to become life partners, it was still somehow difficult for me to cope with the fact that she was doing a lot of the heavy lifting in our relationship, especially related to income. I shared in a recent post that I have been a musician for most of my life and that I played in various bands for many years. I was getting pressure from society to let go of childish things and stop chasing my dream as a musician, that I needed to grow up, get a “real job” and provide for my family. Those same machismo influences returned saying it was time to “step up and be a man” and “bring home the bacon” no matter the cost. So, I did. I was poor and in debt and wanted to do my part in my relationship because that was the right thing to do. That was what a “real man” did. That was what my dad did for us. I decided it was time to do exactly that. I resigned from my band and essentially gave up on my dream. I became a corporate creative and used my abilities to create opportunities in my career in order to support myself and my new family. I worked for over ten years as a corporate creative in marketing and production departments doing whatever was needed to get the job done. I had a new path in my career, only this time it was for someone else’s dream and not my own, and that came with its own price. 

After helping the third tech startup to achieve acquisition,  I left the corporate creative world. I was upset, concerned, and afraid of the unknown — yet I was immensely relieved. I finally had agency in my life. I had freedom. I had the opportunity to write the next chapter in my life. I asked my partner for her blessing to take a bit of time to really dig down deep and think about what that next chapter would be. I did an ancient Tibetan death meditation. I started working with a coach. I went to workshops, seminars, and retreats searching for my truth and purpose. I began to read more books and articles to help find clarity on where I might be headed next. I started to explore my inner self more deeply. It was then that I realized that purpose is such an important part of our journey in life, and that serving others is a way forward through depression, sadness, and strife. When we are only focused on serving ourselves and our ambitions, we do not grow and expand beyond internal struggles and past demons. When we know ourselves and are honest about who we are and who we want to become, then we can serve others and help them to achieve or grow themselves. That is when we can find our own joy, fulfillment, and freedom in life while helping others to do the same. One lesson we've heard loud and clear over the past few years is that we are all in this together and can’t do this alone, whether that’s you and your partner, your local community, your business, your country, or our world as a whole. 

My goal at Ärtful is to help creative souls like you to realize your true potential with joy, fulfillment, and freedom. That means joy in your life and business so that you get excited about your days and are ready to devote them to the things that light you up. That means fulfillment in what you are doing while serving others in a way that can provide for them as well as for you and your family. That means freedom in your life and business, including financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Then you can achieve your life goals as well as the mutual goals you’ve established with your partner so that you can create an artful life together built on love, support, and equity. Our choices in life are what’s gotten us where we are today and they are what will support our struggle or our success. It’s up to us to choose. Letting our partners do the heavy lifting because we are not ready to choose our path in life is an option we can’t afford to make. It’s not about dominance or power or greed. It’s about equity, support, choices, and the freedom to make them for yourself and your family while doing what you love and sharing it with the world. 

Is your partner doing the heavy lifting in your relationship? Are you ready to make a change so that you can take that burden off of them? I offer 2-hour clarity calls as well as a 9-week and 6-month coaching program to provide the right option for you when you’re ready to make a different choice and do the work so you can keep being ärtful.